Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Life is full of decisions and on Monday I was taught how one poor decision can cost you, your very life. In my neighborhood there was an older white guy maybe in his mid-50's, who for years would see me and speak; always nice, a little loud, but a decent guy. He would always share stories about his hustling days and growing up in the neighborhood.

On Monday I seen this man maybe two hours before he lost his life. I went to the supermarket and he was coming in as I was going out. We exchange a few words and greetings and went about our day. Later that day as I return from St. Johns helping my son move, I saw a bunch of police, EMS, and the fire dept near my building as I went over to see what was going on, there he was laid out in front of his building dead. Apparently he locked himself out of his apartment by mistake, and instead of calling a locksmith, he decide to climb the fire escape( something he did often) and slip and fell and hit his head on the concrete and cracked his skull. He died in an instance. I was devastated, one I just spoke and saw the man and second never in a million years would I think a person's poor decision could be the demise of him, especially a decision they have made repeatedly.

 Yes, we know decisions have the power to alter our lives, but who would have thought that something as simple as forgetting your keys and making a poor choice could be the cause of you dying too soon. I ask the question: Is this how he was supposed to leave this world? or was it just a bad mistake?

Something we all do( make mistakes) on a daily basis. While life can seem so complex and lengthy at times, it is in these moments that I am reminded how short, simply and fragile this gift called life is. Our decisions are one of the most powerful tools we have that can either better our lives or destroy it, so Beloved choose wisely...

For Colored Girls: I am Feeling Kinda Green...

As all may know, the end of my semester is here. And, I have about six to ten papers due, the holidays, birthdays, and personal problems I'm working out. For years I have personally hated the holidays, never really understanding why, but now as I am taking some time to reflect. I realize that it is a very stressful time and the winter is not my season. What I mean by that is , it is not a time of the year where I thrives, spiritual or physical. Lately, I have been doing some soul searching and redefine who I want to be. Reshaping my boundaries and making some critical decisions about my life and what I want to experience. I have been redefining my understand of God and how our relationship is to work for my highest good. It is in this process that I am opening my eyes, and see things for what they are neither Good nor bad, but just what is. Understanding that so many things shape my judgement of what is good and bad. God does not necessary see things the way we see them, so I am learning to laugh more and live more. It is hard when you come from a very painful place of strife and struggle, that become all you know. And if you are not engaged in those things or people around you are not, you think something is wrong. As a woman of color our history has shown us that we can sometimes be our worst enemy. We ( people of color) can inflict the most pain, disrespect, and harm on one another all in the name of God, power, money, and vanity.

Just recently, I had the privilege of witness some real ghetto foolishness at my seminary. It was very disheartening, but a part of me felt at the end of the day, people will be people. The situaton along with all the work I had to do, just frustrated me more. I realized that the disappointment in my life had started to make me lose hope in people. While, I love living and experiencing God's creation( tree, rivers, ocean, animals, stars etc.), I realize that people frustrate me to no ends, while relationships are how we live, grow and develop. I realize they can be very taxing, and painful, so today I thought of the Terry Perry movie: For Colored Girl. A movie based on Ntozake Shange book: For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Today, I felt like the rainbow just was not enuf.

In the book each women has a color and with that color, there was a poem to describe their experience. Today I am felt Green, this woman's experience ring loud for me today. When I think of my own life and all the bull crap, I have endured and how we give so much of our selves to, work, family, school , friends, lovers and others. We forget to give to the most important person, “ourselves”. It is not until we experience, the pain, betrayal, or sadness from these experiences that we remember, who we are and begin to better care for ourselves. Below I have copied the poem to share :

Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff

Didn't care enough

To send a note home saying,

I was late for my solo conversation, or

I was two sizes to small for my tacky skirt

What can somebody do with something of no value, on an open market

Did you get a dime for my things?

Hey Man! Where are you going with all of my stuff

This is a Women Trip, and I need my stuff to Ooh and Aha about

Honest to God! Somebody almost run off with my stuff

I didn't bring anything, but the kick and sway of it,

The Perfect Ass For My Man, and none of it is theirs

This is Mine! Sanayi Own Things!

That's my name, now give me my stuff!

I see you hiding my laugh,And how I sit with my legs open, to give my crouch some sunlight

This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss

I got to have, to give to my choice

So, you can't have me in less I give me away

And I was doing all that, until you run off on a good thing

And who is this you left me with?

Some simple bitch,with a bad attitude

I WANT MY THINGS!

I want my arm with the hot iron scar

I want my leg with the flea bite

Yea, I WANT MY THNGS!

I want my callous feet, quick language back in my mouth

I WANT MY THINGS, how I love them

SOMEBODY ALMOST RUN OFF WITH MY STUFF

And I was standing there looking, at all my stuff the whole time

It wasn't a spirit, that run off with my stuff

IT WAS A MAN

Whose ego walked round like rowans and shadow

It was a man faster then my innocence

It was a lover, I made too much room for

Almost run off with all my stuff

And the one running with it

Didn't know he got it!

I 'm shouting, “This is Mine!”

He don't even know he got it!

Do you know, my stuff

Is the unanimously ripped off treasure of the year

Did you know, somebody almost got away with “Me”

“Me”, in a plastic bag under his arm

“Me”, Sanayi Beckles

Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff.......

Sometimes we can given so much of our stuff away. We ignore the signs and just give everything away, trying to fill the voids in our lives or looking for love in the wrong places, people and/ or things. We sometimes place such high expectations on others and forget that they are human being like ourselves; working their stuff out too. Sometimes in working our stuff out, we can offend, hurt or overlook one another, but I do believe that it is God's mercy and grace that can bring healing and transformation to our lives. It is this love and transformation through the Holy Spirit which enables us to go back and start over in relationship. It is love and compassion that carries us when our legs are to tired to walk..

Change Your Name Or Change Your Conduct

It is said that a name is one of the most important things in this world. When I think about the importance of a name and how names have shaped this world we live in; I often thing about what if we did not have a name for everything.  What would the world be like if there was no such thing as a name? How would we communicate with each other?  We see in the Bible that one of the very first things God did was give things he made a name.  It brought order to chaos by giving things a name and a purpose.  It is in this act that the natural world as we know it was formed, made and have been sustained.   I share all this because I recently had an experience that almost altered my marriage forever.


  I did not want to be a person of leadership or influence because as we know people can build you up one day and tear you down the next. The Spirit has been convicting me about moving to the next level in my journey and explaining to me who I was before before I entered my mother's womb.  My name means Radiance, which means brightest light.    God let me know early in my life that I was the bringer of Light into Dark place.  I would help people find there way out of darkness into the light of Christ.  I like most people was not live out the true value of my name. I personally feel that I have done the opposite of my purpose and name.


Could you image a  chair trying to do a light bulb's job or a mop trying to be a bowl. This would never work and even if it did neither could do the job effectively.  This is the same thing for us as children of God. When we have been created for a specific purpose and we do not live out that purpose. We can become ineffective and sometime more problematic than helpful.  I have been convicted about living a lifestyle contrary  to what I was designed and created to do. It was not until today, that I understood.

 I am going to share a short story with you that the preacher said today.  One day, during battle  King Alexander the Great was visiting one of his battle station and was informed by his commander  that their was a young man who run fearfully from the enemy,  and the commander did not know what to do with this young man.  Alexander the Great walked up to the young man and said: "Solider what is your Name?  and the soldier said in a very low and trembling tone,: " My name is Alexander". Alexander the Great looked very confused and puzzles, so he asked him a second time, but this time he said it with more base in his tone, " SOLIDER WHAT IS YOUR NAME!" and the soldier answered a second time more fearful," Alexander".  This time Alexander the Great became very angry and snatched the young man close to his chest and said," SOLIDER EITHER YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME OR CHANGE YOUR CONDUCT!
This Solider was not acting like someone who was great like his King. It was an insult to this might king that one of his solider's who carried his name was not living up to the standards of his name.  A name is the most important thing you can give a child. Social science research has found that the we learn to define ourselves by the names we are given.  Your name can lay the foundation for your personality. My name means Brightest light. You need light in dark places. Light defines a space and what can happen in that space.  Light can  make the difference.  I too was told just like the young soldier, that either I change my conduct and live up to my name or change my name, but I could no longer behavior like  a person of the dark, but be called a person of the  the light and to make matters worse the "Brightest Light". 

 This was a mockery to the God who named and created me.  My reckless, deceitful, negative behaviors was representing everything that is contrary to my name, so this day I say to you learn the meaning of your name and  examine yourself. See how have you been living that name out  and what are the characteristics associated with your name and do they line up with your purpose, because you would hate to have lived your entire life trying to be a bee when you were created to be a butterfly...

Sacrifice Made Simple: Fasting for your Mind, Body & Spirit

It’s the eight days into the New Year and many will make plans to change things in their lives this year. Some will plan to buy a new home; others will plan to travel to a new place. People will plan to return to school or lose weight, but my question is what will be your plans for your spiritual life? What Sacrifices will you make for your spiritual growth in 2010? Or do you even believe that your spirit is connected to your physical existence? Last year the Holy Spirit gave me a fast to do with some women. We were not successful as a group, but my plan for this New Year is to try this fast again. I really want to get a closer walk with the divine. The place I am currently in is very shaky and I think that I am burned out with my relationships with people. While I love to teach and help people, the disappointment and betrayal is beginning to be a bit much for me. I am tired of people talking like they are a winner, but living like a loser. Since I am unable to change others, I thought starting with me is way to go. I am reading a good book called: Fasting, by Jentezen Franklin. He breaks down fasting in practical terms. Pick up a copy it is very helpful. There is a part in the book where he states, “Every assignment, every call of God, every direction from Him starts somewhere. “ If this is the case then this will be my new start. Recently I took a survey on Oprah.com; it was from an article called: Who are you Meant to Be? This survey actually was helpful; a lot of what was said about me was true. Some of the things I was currently pursing or had accomplished came up. I encourage you to take it even if it’s just for fun. www.oprah.com/survey/omagazine/20091001-omag-meant-to-be-quiz


21 days FAST

Day 1- 14: No Food from Sunrise to Sunset. Once the sun is set you are to eat only mildly seasoned foods, Seafood, chicken, turkey. Fruits, Vegetables are allowed. No Meat, No sweets, Candy or Soda and limited salts. Reading: Matthew 8: 18-22, Matthew 9: 14- 17, Matthew 10 Book of John, Books of Samuel 1 and 2

Day 14- 21: Follow instruction regarding the Master Cleansing: NO FOOD

Prepare your daily intake of Lemon Juice, Maple Syrup and Cayenne Pepper. Prepare the entire day’s meals in one session. The following quantities of each ingredient are required (some adjustment may be needed for above-average sized people, large and small). These amounts are for all the Lemonade you need for 1 day. The instructions below the list of quantities discuss dividing the process into two, making 2 individual 1 liter/quart bottles of lemonade.

• 14 Table Spoons Lemon Juice

• 14 Table Spoons Maple Syrup

• 1/2 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper – or to taste (as much as you can stand)

• 2 Liters/quarts of water

This step lasts all day. Take your three bottles with you wherever you go. Every time you feel a hunger pang, take a shot of Lemonade. Chase it with a shot (or three or four) of water. Take enough to make an impact on your stomach. You are attempting to turn off the switch in your physiology that is telling you that you are hungry. DON’T WORRY, and remember that all the calories and nutrients you need for the day are in your juice.

The Salt Water Flush is very important. Again, do SWF in the evening. The process is a commitment in itself. Once you take the solution, you will have to be on guard, a bowel movement WILL be shortly coming, generally in 30-60 minutes between taking it and the first movement. The last movements will begin to wind down an hour or so after they begin.

Using one a 1 liter bottle and your 1 tablespoon measure, mix a solution of sea salt and room temperature water. The original book says 2 teaspoons, but you can use 1 tablespoon it works the same. The key is to adjust the amount of salt in order to create the right solution for your individual needs. Make sure you don’t use iodized table salt. Un-iodized sea salt is essential.

More Information can be found at: http://themastercleanse.org/

Internet: You will listen to this sermon as a reading assignment. The website is: http://www.derekprince.org Once you are on the website goes to legacy radio: Show Archives, then look for the sermon listed below. Each of these sermons has 5 or 10 messages you are to listen to ALL the messages in each sermon. Please reading the scriptures together with sermon: example: Day 4: I read Mark 8 and listened to what is truth?

Reading: Day 1: Mark 8, Daniel 10, Day 2: Genesis 13, 14, Joshua 1-8, Day 3: Mark 12, Galatians 3, Day 4: Ephesians 6, 2 Timothy 2 Day 5: 2 Timothy, Titus, Day 6: Ephesians: 2-4, 1 John, 1 Peter Day 7: YOU DEICIDE.

Derek Prince: What is truth? Spiritual Warfare, Basics for Deliverance, Where to Find Security, Waiting for God, Fruit of the Spirit, Gifts of the Spirit (listen to one each day) TAKE NOTES THIS IS VERY HELPFUL

Sacrifice should always with you.

Betrayal: Just When I Thought…

It is a bitter cup to drink, but betrayal is something everyone will deal with in their lifetime. If you have not experienced it yet as my spiritual father once said, “Just keep living”. Well today’s awkward moment is one that is dear to my heart. This act of betrayal runs deep through several situations, a husband betrays his wife, a pastor betrays his congregation, a man betrays his mistress and a friend betrays a friend. Just recently Karen a friend, told me about a situation in her church with her pastor and a friend. She explained that her girlfriend Tasha was sleeping with the pastor and after an act of betrayal on his part. She decided to expose their affair to the church. When she went to the church leaders, they decided to handle the situation differently then she thought they would. Tasha not happy with their decision, decided to go to the church members herself and tell her side of the story; stopping at nothing, she made phone calls, when to church events and even told the pastor’s wife best friend. She left no stone unturned, even if it made her look bad she was determined to be heard. She thought that she was a victim of his foolishness and she wanted him to pay, at least that was what her actions said. Karen felt differently, Tasha was not victim. She had been here before, she was a seasoned young lady and she knew what she was doing when she started this affair. He was supposed to be her mentor and pastor. She was fine along as she was getting what she wanted, why tell now? What was she to gain from exposing it this way? Karen did not felt sorry for her, but she actually thought she was sick. Sick in mind or sick in the spirit who knows, but when asked what I thought about the situation, at first I was speechless. I told how could someone be so selfish, but I realized it was deeper than that response.




I told Karen hurt people do not care about anybody; their goal is to sharing their pain unconsciously or consciously. To experience betrayal in our lives, I think is the outgrowth of fear in our minds. People do not necessarily betray us; sometimes we just set ourselves up to be a victim. The acts that people demonstrate in our lives are most times the thoughts and feeling we already have about ourselves. They just come to show us how we truly feel about ourselves and the world around us. Betrayal is just one of the tools the ego uses to push the divine voice out of our lives and make us victims. Pain is like a wild fire; anything its touches it consumed and destroyed. So now what?



To make a long story short, Tasha got her wish now the whole church knows along with other churches in the community. She is the buzz of the religious community. She wanted to be heard, so now everybody is listening. Yes, the church is planning to throw the pastor out and the religious community wants to ban him from ever preaching again, because this was not the first time for him. The wife knows too, it was said that she had a nervous breakdown, well who wouldn’t if this was the second time you had to live through the same mess. Karma can really hurt. Tasha and Karen are no longer friends, because in her angry and pain she said some very hurtful things about Karen, which was not true. Karen realized that she was not her friend and along as she stayed in her pain she would continue to hurt herself and anyone around her. My question is what now? Where does Tasha go from here? What is the lesson in this situation or is there a lesson? Where is the healing for all persons involved? Or just maybe it is what it is a situation?

Hello World...

In life we can find ourselves in the most peculiar situations. Some by which we create, by our own hands and others that we allow people to create and walk us into. I believe that each thing in this world has its own unique voice and place. I do not believe in accidents or coincides. I think there is a divine power orchestrating all of this, we as humans call it by many different names, but I believe there is an unseen world that is affecting this seen space and time we live in. The most awkward events that happen in our lives are sometimes that divine voice saying to us, “STOP GO ANOTHER WAY!”, “ DON’T DO THAT IT IS GOING TO HURT!” or “THIS WAY PLEASE!”. But, we being who we are most times must do not listen and do it our way. Today I embark on a new journey one in which I plan to look at those awkward moments in life and share them. My hope is to find healing, laughter, peace and maybe a different road for the next time.


One of my principles in life is called Alliance: Not of us is smarter than all of us.


Hopefully your wisdom and questions will help to find the answers that the divine voice is speaking to each and every one of us, so that this journey can be a little less painful and a whole like more fun.