As all may know, the end of my semester is here. And, I have about six to ten papers due, the holidays, birthdays, and personal problems I'm working out. For years I have personally hated the holidays, never really understanding why, but now as I am taking some time to reflect. I realize that it is a very stressful time and the winter is not my season. What I mean by that is , it is not a time of the year where I thrives, spiritual or physical. Lately, I have been doing some soul searching and redefine who I want to be. Reshaping my boundaries and making some critical decisions about my life and what I want to experience. I have been redefining my understand of God and how our relationship is to work for my highest good. It is in this process that I am opening my eyes, and see things for what they are neither Good nor bad, but just what is. Understanding that so many things shape my judgement of what is good and bad. God does not necessary see things the way we see them, so I am learning to laugh more and live more. It is hard when you come from a very painful place of strife and struggle, that become all you know. And if you are not engaged in those things or people around you are not, you think something is wrong. As a woman of color our history has shown us that we can sometimes be our worst enemy. We ( people of color) can inflict the most pain, disrespect, and harm on one another all in the name of God, power, money, and vanity.
Just recently, I had the privilege of witness some real ghetto foolishness at my seminary. It was very disheartening, but a part of me felt at the end of the day, people will be people. The situaton along with all the work I had to do, just frustrated me more. I realized that the disappointment in my life had started to make me lose hope in people. While, I love living and experiencing God's creation( tree, rivers, ocean, animals, stars etc.), I realize that people frustrate me to no ends, while relationships are how we live, grow and develop. I realize they can be very taxing, and painful, so today I thought of the Terry Perry movie: For Colored Girl. A movie based on Ntozake Shange book: For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Today, I felt like the rainbow just was not enuf.
In the book each women has a color and with that color, there was a poem to describe their experience. Today I am felt Green, this woman's experience ring loud for me today. When I think of my own life and all the bull crap, I have endured and how we give so much of our selves to, work, family, school , friends, lovers and others. We forget to give to the most important person, “ourselves”. It is not until we experience, the pain, betrayal, or sadness from these experiences that we remember, who we are and begin to better care for ourselves. Below I have copied the poem to share :
Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff
Didn't care enough
To send a note home saying,
I was late for my solo conversation, or
I was two sizes to small for my tacky skirt
What can somebody do with something of no value, on an open market
Did you get a dime for my things?
Hey Man! Where are you going with all of my stuff
This is a Women Trip, and I need my stuff to Ooh and Aha about
Honest to God! Somebody almost run off with my stuff
I didn't bring anything, but the kick and sway of it,
The Perfect Ass For My Man, and none of it is theirs
This is Mine! Sanayi Own Things!
That's my name, now give me my stuff!
I see you hiding my laugh,And how I sit with my legs open, to give my crouch some sunlight
This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss
I got to have, to give to my choice
So, you can't have me in less I give me away
And I was doing all that, until you run off on a good thing
And who is this you left me with?
Some simple bitch,with a bad attitude
I WANT MY THINGS!
I want my arm with the hot iron scar
I want my leg with the flea bite
Yea, I WANT MY THNGS!
I want my callous feet, quick language back in my mouth
I WANT MY THINGS, how I love them
SOMEBODY ALMOST RUN OFF WITH MY STUFF
And I was standing there looking, at all my stuff the whole time
It wasn't a spirit, that run off with my stuff
IT WAS A MAN
Whose ego walked round like rowans and shadow
It was a man faster then my innocence
It was a lover, I made too much room for
Almost run off with all my stuff
And the one running with it
Didn't know he got it!
I 'm shouting, “This is Mine!”
He don't even know he got it!
Do you know, my stuff
Is the unanimously ripped off treasure of the year
Did you know, somebody almost got away with “Me”
“Me”, in a plastic bag under his arm
“Me”, Sanayi Beckles
Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff.......
Sometimes we can given so much of our stuff away. We ignore the signs and just give everything away, trying to fill the voids in our lives or looking for love in the wrong places, people and/ or things. We sometimes place such high expectations on others and forget that they are human being like ourselves; working their stuff out too. Sometimes in working our stuff out, we can offend, hurt or overlook one another, but I do believe that it is God's mercy and grace that can bring healing and transformation to our lives. It is this love and transformation through the Holy Spirit which enables us to go back and start over in relationship. It is love and compassion that carries us when our legs are to tired to walk..
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