Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Life is full of decisions and on Monday I was taught how one poor decision can cost you, your very life. In my neighborhood there was an older white guy maybe in his mid-50's, who for years would see me and speak; always nice, a little loud, but a decent guy. He would always share stories about his hustling days and growing up in the neighborhood.

On Monday I seen this man maybe two hours before he lost his life. I went to the supermarket and he was coming in as I was going out. We exchange a few words and greetings and went about our day. Later that day as I return from St. Johns helping my son move, I saw a bunch of police, EMS, and the fire dept near my building as I went over to see what was going on, there he was laid out in front of his building dead. Apparently he locked himself out of his apartment by mistake, and instead of calling a locksmith, he decide to climb the fire escape( something he did often) and slip and fell and hit his head on the concrete and cracked his skull. He died in an instance. I was devastated, one I just spoke and saw the man and second never in a million years would I think a person's poor decision could be the demise of him, especially a decision they have made repeatedly.

 Yes, we know decisions have the power to alter our lives, but who would have thought that something as simple as forgetting your keys and making a poor choice could be the cause of you dying too soon. I ask the question: Is this how he was supposed to leave this world? or was it just a bad mistake?

Something we all do( make mistakes) on a daily basis. While life can seem so complex and lengthy at times, it is in these moments that I am reminded how short, simply and fragile this gift called life is. Our decisions are one of the most powerful tools we have that can either better our lives or destroy it, so Beloved choose wisely...

For Colored Girls: I am Feeling Kinda Green...

As all may know, the end of my semester is here. And, I have about six to ten papers due, the holidays, birthdays, and personal problems I'm working out. For years I have personally hated the holidays, never really understanding why, but now as I am taking some time to reflect. I realize that it is a very stressful time and the winter is not my season. What I mean by that is , it is not a time of the year where I thrives, spiritual or physical. Lately, I have been doing some soul searching and redefine who I want to be. Reshaping my boundaries and making some critical decisions about my life and what I want to experience. I have been redefining my understand of God and how our relationship is to work for my highest good. It is in this process that I am opening my eyes, and see things for what they are neither Good nor bad, but just what is. Understanding that so many things shape my judgement of what is good and bad. God does not necessary see things the way we see them, so I am learning to laugh more and live more. It is hard when you come from a very painful place of strife and struggle, that become all you know. And if you are not engaged in those things or people around you are not, you think something is wrong. As a woman of color our history has shown us that we can sometimes be our worst enemy. We ( people of color) can inflict the most pain, disrespect, and harm on one another all in the name of God, power, money, and vanity.

Just recently, I had the privilege of witness some real ghetto foolishness at my seminary. It was very disheartening, but a part of me felt at the end of the day, people will be people. The situaton along with all the work I had to do, just frustrated me more. I realized that the disappointment in my life had started to make me lose hope in people. While, I love living and experiencing God's creation( tree, rivers, ocean, animals, stars etc.), I realize that people frustrate me to no ends, while relationships are how we live, grow and develop. I realize they can be very taxing, and painful, so today I thought of the Terry Perry movie: For Colored Girl. A movie based on Ntozake Shange book: For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Today, I felt like the rainbow just was not enuf.

In the book each women has a color and with that color, there was a poem to describe their experience. Today I am felt Green, this woman's experience ring loud for me today. When I think of my own life and all the bull crap, I have endured and how we give so much of our selves to, work, family, school , friends, lovers and others. We forget to give to the most important person, “ourselves”. It is not until we experience, the pain, betrayal, or sadness from these experiences that we remember, who we are and begin to better care for ourselves. Below I have copied the poem to share :

Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff

Didn't care enough

To send a note home saying,

I was late for my solo conversation, or

I was two sizes to small for my tacky skirt

What can somebody do with something of no value, on an open market

Did you get a dime for my things?

Hey Man! Where are you going with all of my stuff

This is a Women Trip, and I need my stuff to Ooh and Aha about

Honest to God! Somebody almost run off with my stuff

I didn't bring anything, but the kick and sway of it,

The Perfect Ass For My Man, and none of it is theirs

This is Mine! Sanayi Own Things!

That's my name, now give me my stuff!

I see you hiding my laugh,And how I sit with my legs open, to give my crouch some sunlight

This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss

I got to have, to give to my choice

So, you can't have me in less I give me away

And I was doing all that, until you run off on a good thing

And who is this you left me with?

Some simple bitch,with a bad attitude

I WANT MY THINGS!

I want my arm with the hot iron scar

I want my leg with the flea bite

Yea, I WANT MY THNGS!

I want my callous feet, quick language back in my mouth

I WANT MY THINGS, how I love them

SOMEBODY ALMOST RUN OFF WITH MY STUFF

And I was standing there looking, at all my stuff the whole time

It wasn't a spirit, that run off with my stuff

IT WAS A MAN

Whose ego walked round like rowans and shadow

It was a man faster then my innocence

It was a lover, I made too much room for

Almost run off with all my stuff

And the one running with it

Didn't know he got it!

I 'm shouting, “This is Mine!”

He don't even know he got it!

Do you know, my stuff

Is the unanimously ripped off treasure of the year

Did you know, somebody almost got away with “Me”

“Me”, in a plastic bag under his arm

“Me”, Sanayi Beckles

Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff.......

Sometimes we can given so much of our stuff away. We ignore the signs and just give everything away, trying to fill the voids in our lives or looking for love in the wrong places, people and/ or things. We sometimes place such high expectations on others and forget that they are human being like ourselves; working their stuff out too. Sometimes in working our stuff out, we can offend, hurt or overlook one another, but I do believe that it is God's mercy and grace that can bring healing and transformation to our lives. It is this love and transformation through the Holy Spirit which enables us to go back and start over in relationship. It is love and compassion that carries us when our legs are to tired to walk..